I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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