my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
