Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
