I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
