Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My feet surprised me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
