not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
