I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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