my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
