remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
