I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
