i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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