Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
