mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
