God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
