i think i have two assholes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
