you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You ate ashes out of my bong
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
