i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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