my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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