Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
