I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
