she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
