He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
