Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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