I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The power of my boobs compel you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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