the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
