If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
