the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
