i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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