This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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