Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
