I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
