the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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