i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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