I wish my penis had an off switch
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
