took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
