: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
