I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
