I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
