clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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