It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
