porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
