i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
