So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
