The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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