I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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