I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
