I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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