Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
