I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
