Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
